I was minding my own business, standing in line at the post office. The queue was moving extremely slowly as per usual. I was getting fidgety, impatient, restless, waiting my turn in the impossibly slow-moving human snake that is the Ketchum Post Office.
I had my back to the door...but out of the corner of my eye I saw her leap out at me. It was Judy Schpankter, my ex-landlady. She lunged toward me. I saw a flash...she was wielding a large phillips head screw-driver in her right hand. I reacted quickly fending her off, but I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. She had jabbed me with her tool before I went into beast mode. All that Krav Maga training (Israeli sef-defense martial arts) paid off. I reflexively grabbed her wrist and twisted it; hard. She fell to the floor. Her wrist was broken. I pinned her down on the floor with one foot on her chest, and kicked the phillips head to the side.
Surprisingly calm, I yelled to the post-office clerk, "call the cops, they know her". He shouted "what's the number?". "911 you moron" I screamed. Schpankter was writhing in pain and holding her broken wrist. Clearly she wasn't getting up.
At this point I felt the blood flowing down my sleeve. I shouted loudly so all could hear "the cops know her, I'm going to the hospital" and then I dropped the mic. and headed for the door...without my mail.
Yada, Yada Yada,..."what happened?" Note to self, ER visits are not covered. .
6 stitches later I'm on my way to the KPD to tell my side of the story.
You probably read Krazy in Ketchum. That blog post is based on a true story. The stalking story and all the set up on FB, and the stabbing...what can I say? April Fools.
Party / Out.