Go mail-order or go home. No more drunken skanks for Andy Party.
After many, many years of living the single life in Aspen, New York, Detroit, San Diego and other American cities...Andrew Party has found his love match. Lucia, from the Russian City of Omsk has agreed to become my wife, my life partner and hopefully the Mother of my children.
Honestly, when I was younger...working my a$$ off on Wall Street, marriage never occurred to me. I have stood up at countless weddings for my friends...10 times an usher...never the groom. I always liked being single and ready to mingle. There are quite a few crumpled up bridesmaids dresses in the corners of my past. I came close a few times back in the 80's and 90's. There was that super-needy red headed financier I dated in NYC. She had divorce written all over her. The pixie-cute blond piano teacher I dated for a while turned out to be crazier than me...which is not cool. The hottie, trustafarian brunette that I chased for years is still on the market and she's been DV'd twice....so I guess that was the best decision I never made. I'm sorry to say this...but the "nice Jewish girls" always bored me.
Honestly, being single for this long has been a gas. But now, I've grown weary of doing what I want to do 100% of the time and having zero dependents. I've never had anyone calling me during the game to remind me to pick up milk, or asking me if her butt looks big in a particular outfit. But I've been going home to an empty home (except for Carmelo) for too ,too long. I'm finally breaking out some of the cash I've been hoarding since I began picking up pop bottles for the return deposits in Southfield.
My life is about to change. Lucia and I are getting married. It's a signed deal. Lucia and I have been skyping for months and despite the language barrier and a sometimes crappy internet connection, we have developed a true bond. She wants cash...and I want booty. She's hitting American soil today...and will be in Aspen tomorrow. Sure she's too young and too hot for me... but who cares, I'm going for it.
So don't be a hater. Be happy for Lucia and I. We are not wasting any time. If all goes according to our plans we'll have a little baby bouncing around Aspen right around New Year's.